FAKE ANECDOTES

My father lives in my garage. It’s not weird. It’s not. From my understanding, plenty of parents live next to their kids’ cars. I don’t mind. Though one time I got sort of pissed at him. My best friend John Mahoney was over. Dad has trouble understanding that when people do something onscreen they aren’t doing it in real life. When I was banging Ali MacGraw—I really like old people—Dad got very confused because he thought she died in Love Story. I had to explain. So when I took John out to the garage to show him my new Alfa Romeo, Dad was in there curing some venison. He hunts with a crossbow. When he saw John he just flipped out. “Get that crook out of here!” You know? “Fraud! Fraud!” He thought John was stealing money from the nursing home because he’d just watched Say Anything. Dad threw a piece of venison at John. John’s glasses got smashed. It was terrifying and now John doesn’t answer my calls. I miss John. There are good days and bad. But I like having Dad in the garage. It’s not weird. It’s not.